I wish my wife had never told me she enjoyed a threesome

The stopping technique was suggested by Connolly:

"whenever the subject enters your mind, 1) notice it, 2) interrupt that thought and 3) replace it with something more positive and realistic – such as "I love her, and the past is unimportant". "

I agree it's useful to distract the useful and harmful thoughts with more positive thoughts. However, we know that it's very hard to let it go. So we will face a lot of unsuccessful experience, when we are practising the stopping technique, thus, I would like to address how to handle those failure experience.

Don't be guilty when the memory or negative thoughts come back to you, it's normal. Let your partner know you are facing internal conflict. It's nothing to do with her, and she doesn't need to take it personal.

It's ok to let the guilt come because it will go. Tell yourself, 'it's okay!' Give your wife a signal, can be a kiss or touch, when you feel better, and you want her attention.

Do so thinking exercise when you are alone. Try to draw down all the cause and effect in a map, I call it mind map. It can capture your way of thinking, worries, hidden thoughts, gain-and-loss, etc. You can be honest to your map and no need to share if you don't feel like it.

When I was doing my mind map, I got tears coming out of my eyes, I felt shame at the beginning when I look at my mind map, like a naked person. I told myself, "it's me, it's normal to have all these thoughts as a human being."

I have much closer bonding with my husband after this, he saw me went through a personal growth process. He doesn't need to say much. Being there has shown a lot of support to me already! I felt his love.

I don't know will this work for you, feel free to raise question if you wanna try.

Don't let the past to spoil your loving relationship.

Lilac Kamiya

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I wish my wife had never told me she enjoyed a threesome
by Pamela Stephenson Connolly

My wife has admitted to once experimenting with a threesome, but how do I stop myself from obsessing about what she did years ago?

I'm in love with a wonderful woman. Our sex life is healthy but she told me (quite flippantly) she had experimented with a threesome before we met, and it's really troubling me. I wonder about the gory details. It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and I wish she had never told me. She said she wasn't ashamed of it, it was years ago, and that she loves me and would never do anything to hurt me. Initially she suggested a threesome with me, gauged my reaction, then never mentioned it again. How do I put this irrelevant stuff out of my mind? Or is it irrelevant? My level-headed self tells me that it is.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly: It is not uncommon for a person to find threesomes highly erotic. At some level you know this was nothing to do with you, but you are battling with two aspects of your psyche. First, jealously is a natural human emotion and we are wired to feel uncomfortable about the idea of a lover being with someone else against our wishes. Second, there is an obsessional part of your brain that gets locked into thinking about this subject. This requires urgent attention, so I recommend this thought-stopping technique: whenever the subject enters your mind, 1) notice it, 2) interrupt that thought and 3) replace it with something more positive and realistic – such as "I love her, and the past is unimportant". Some people wear an elastic bracelet they can snap to jolt them into awareness. Eradicate these negative thoughts before they sabotage your relationship.