Problem solved?!

I don't quite agree with the title 'problem solved' because the upbringing modifys us in certain way but we should believe that we still have capacity to do different things. So it's nothing to do with the problem, but in here, we are looking for a way out.

This single mother can make up her mind to move out which shows that she learnt from her experience, and try to provide a more peaceful place for her and her child which is a very smart thing to do.

She concerns her career maybe cause by her finance and self-fulfillment which make many sense. It should give her a sense of being useful in the society.

I want to stress that she also can put herself become a successful mom when the kid is still young. Of cause it depends on her preference in reality. If she prefers to have more input into her career, she should think about which area she should focus and go for it.

- Lilac

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Problem solved
by Annalisa Barbieri

I'm a single mother of 40 who had a turbulent start in life – things are better now but I feel stuck in a rut

I am a 40-year-old single mother of one. I feel utterly stuck. I think my upbringing has had quite an impact on the decisions I have made in life. The adults around me were generally kind people but most had addictions: alcohol, gambling, co-dependence and violent relationships along the way. My parents both died when I was in my 20s and in the midst of studying, which was quite devastating.

My adolescence was turbulent: unhappy, disruptive, self-harming, drinking at an early age, early pregnancies/terminations. My adult life has seen me slip from one long-term relationship to another, all complex. Career-wise, I feel I have underachieved woefully, often allowing the relationships to govern my decisions regarding work. I have often felt very low with regret over this. Several years ago, just after the birth of my little girl, my partner of six years disclosed his own hidden/addictive life, to his and my family and then to me. It was devastating. I have brought my little girl up on my own since, with sporadic and often seriously emotional visits by my former partner.

I began to look at my own patterns of behaviour. I have had therapy, joined online support groups, including a group for co-dependent behaviour, and have slowly unravelled why I may have been living the life I have. I have recently moved house with my little girl to a better area so things should feel improved but I have been feeling very low and despondent and have hit a place of very negative thinking again. I can't seem to move on and feel very frustrated. It feels like a big part of me is very empty, but unlike the past me, I don't want a relationship to fill that emptiness. Anonymous, via email

What I find interesting is that it sounds as if you're in a stable place for possibly the first time in your life, yet you feel lost. I think that so much of your life has been about survival of one sort of another (and interrupted dreams) that now that you are in a calm, and what sounds like a secure place, you describe it as stuck in a rut.

But where you're at is normal life. You're not stuck – you're just at a quiet bit of the journey. But you've become so used to battling through life's traumas that you don't know how to deal with the plod, plod of life. Instead, what you're doing now, without a current drama to deal with, is looking back and berating yourself for where you feel you've failed. Stop! Please see what you've achieved: you've come such a long way. Not least, you've chosen to break a pattern of behaviour shown to you by your parents and grandparents.

What seems to cause you most regret is your career. If I were you, this is what I would do: I'd give myself a bit of time off, to just enjoy the very simple pleasures of life, to dream a bit and marvel that I am still standing and then I would really think about what to do next.