Active listening vs. Selective listening in your hand!

"I just want to tell him how I felt, but I don't want him to be more unhappy than me?"

I heard this from a wife when her husband doesn't know how to response to her disappointment after his busy day of work.

We usually have positive or negative comments (appreciations or complaints) in our daily life towards situation at home/work/anywhere, or towards interaction with friends/families/anyone. When we made this comments, we may not be very aware of (1) I'm looking for empathy or (2) I'm looking for suggestions/solution?? When I was learning counselling, the teacher helped us to identify active listening and selective listening and I found it is very useful to me when I deal with people.

Active listening includes being sympathetic and trying to understand the problems (maybe just a bad feeling), without giving any judgements and suggestion. It will help people to be more opened and feel being understood.

Selective listening, when people are "bla bla bla" in an angry mood, what they said may not be what they meant. We can just take the expressed "mood" (OK I know she is very upset about this) then you don't need to take it too personal like "She is upset about me" too soon. Use a soft tone and show your caring by passing a tissue, a glass of warm water, a gentle touch on the shoulder/arm/head. Encourage he/she to tell you the problem when it's less emotional. Anyway, just select what you can handle and then response. No need to pick up something if you don't have energy to deal with.

The wife was looking for empathy and emotional support at that time, but her husband was trying to offer suggestions and solutions. The husband was frustrated when my friend rejected his kind thoughts (suggestions and solutions), and then he became very quite afterwards, maybe he felt useless to help the wife and being angry at himself, or maybe he felt down because he doesn't understand his wife, or maybe he felt angry because he thought his wife was ridiculous, or maybe....

When we heard "bla bla bla", it's hard to define (1) should I show my sympathy or (2) should I give suggestion? Do the first part, it would be no harm done, and do the second part only when the question is asked. It's not offending when your idea is rejected, leave the space for discussion later when everyone feels relax and calm. We all know that we usually maintain our own way of thinking and not willing to change quickly, but we usually appreciate when we are understood.

Using active listening or selective listening, it depends on your energy level and style, but at least we know that we have options :)

Happy weekend!

- Lilac