If I look back, I may try many ways to protect you from the disease, using condomns correctly. I show my love and true heart, and I hope you would never get the disease and never know my little secret.
I know it's not fair to you because I lie to you at the beginning, but you are so charming and wonderful, and I'm so lonely and eager for love.
I'm sorry, I did so wrong and hurt you so much, I hope you can trust people again and get the lover. I'm not looking for forgiveness, I hope you can get your live back.
*******
My gay lover didn't tell me he was HIV-positive. How can I trust anybody in future?
Decide what you would do with a partner with HIV – and what 'extra' you will do with someone who is disease-free
I'm a 44-year-old gay male who has been in a relationship for two years. When we met I made it clear that I didn't want to be with someone who was HIV-positive. My partner refused to take a test until recently and has now been diagnosed as positive. He informed me that he has known for 25 years since his first partner died of Aids. We always used condoms and I've been confirmed as negative, but I feel deceived. I ended the relationship, but I feel guilty and sorry for him. I've actually gone off sex and wanting to get close to anyone. I look at people now and feel scared. What can I do to overcome this lack of trust and fear?
Pamela's reply:
It's understandable that, having a strong sense of betrayal, you should be wary of intimacy, and it will take time to rebuild your trust. It's also common to pair the prospect of sexual contact with a dread of becoming HIV-positive. Start behaving as if anyone you are sexual with could be HIV positive at any time.
Fortunately, sexuality can be experienced safely. Make two lists – one of all the wonderfully erotic things you would be willing to do with someone you know is HIV-positive and the other of everything you'd do with someone who is disease-free. You'll be surprised how few extras are on the second list. For every future encounter, stick to items on the first list and you'll feel far more in control of your sex life – and still enjoy it.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
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