I had a very happy sexual relationship with my wife for more than 40 years, but at around 64, I found it difficult to get an erection and to ejaculate. For years I had assisted her to climax with my hands, but she didn't reciprocate when I couldn't get there. A tentative discussion with my wife indicated that she wouldn't like doing what I wanted at all. I think she put my lack of interest down to my no longer finding her attractive – quite untrue. We get on well without sex but there remains a lingering regret.
As men age, they tend to require more direct genital stimulation than when they were younger. Erections are not usually so spontaneous, and I often hear from concerned partners who take this personally. You will need to have more than a "tentative" discussion with your wife. Reassure her that you do still find her attractive, educate her about the normal changes that occur as men age (and take the opportunity to learn about her sexual ageing process, too!) and fully discuss your physical problems, plus the regretful feelings you have about the loss of your sex life. Jointly seek a solution. If a woman has never learned to provide direct genital stimulation she will require guidance as to exactly how you like it.
As couples age, being able to have frank, gentle and non-blaming discussions about sexual intimacy is often the key to maintaining a satisfying sex life.
by Pamela Stephenson Connolly
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